Chp 10: Communication in Intimate Relationships

BOOK: pgs. 145-159

PDF: pgs. 155-169

What you need to Know

• Define Intimate Relationships; are most relationships intimate?

• 5 qualities shared in effective intimate relationships (commitment, interdependence, maintenance, fluid rather than static, manage tensions)

• 3 types of intimate relationships (romantic, family, friendships)

• Interdependence and cultural variations with regards to romantic relationships

• Family types: high versus low conversation orientation and high conformity versus low conformity orientation

• Rituals - shared beliefs that draw people together in fellowship

• Symmetrical interchange (people interact with the same communication style)

• Dialectical tensions in friendships (public versus private, ideal and real, independent versus dependent, affection versus instrumentality, judgment versus acceptance, expressiveness versus protectiveness)

• Guidelines for effective dialogue in intimate relationships: be honest about feelings, own your statements, focus on the other person, approach conflict constructively, welcome different experiences, discuss relationship status).

Intimate Relationships

• Intimate relationships - deeply personal bonds that we have with other individuals are accompanied by effective communication and a sense of belongingness.

• The intimate associations we form with others impact both the development and quality of our lives.

• The first relationship we ever form is with our parents and caregivers.

Tenets of Intimate Relationships

• Involve deep commitment

• Promote interdependence

• Require constant maintenance

• Tend to be fluid, rather than static

• Require management of tensions

3 Types of Intimate Relationships

• Romantic - mutual, ongoing, and voluntary interactions between two partners that are characterized by feelings of love and attraction through intimacy, commitment, or infatuation

• Family - relationships created among parents and children by birth, adoption, marriage, or life partnering

• Friendships - a reciprocal relationship that both people must see each other as a friend

Characteristics of Romantic Relationships

• Open vs. closed romantic relationships

  • Closed: both parties do not have romantic bonds with anyone other than each other

  • Open: both parties are free to see other people while still holding a deep commitment to each other (ex: polygamy)

• Voluntary vs. arranged marriages

  • Voluntary: each person enters into the relationship freely and has the right to end the relationship

  • Arranged: married are arranged for children by parents to maximize family social standings, financial status, or for other reasons

• Opposite-sex vs. same-sex couples

  • Opposite-sex: marriages and romantic relationships have been defined as existing between opposite-sex partners traditionally

  • Same-sex: the federal government recognizes same-sex couples for tax and benefits purposes

• Married for life vs. divorced

  • Married for life: when couples marry, they believe it is a lifetime commitment. However, that’s not the case for most marriages.

  • Divorced: many marriages wane and dissipate for a host of reasons such as communication.

  • Marriage expert & scholar John Gottman said that communication is key to predicting the success or failure of relationships based on how people interact with each other.

Interdependence and Cultural Variation with regards to Romantic Relationships

• Interdependence - the degree of connectedness between the two individuals, including how the couple shares time and space within their home.

• Ideology - the beliefs and values the individuals have about what marriage and family life should be like, and can include placing a value on stability and predictability or on spontaneity and relational uncertainty

• Conflict - whether the partners try to resolve differences through open conflict or whether they avoid conflict

Types of Romantic Relationships

• Traditional: couples have a high level of interdependence, share conventional ideologies about marriage, and avoid marital conflict

  • Both individuals take on conventional sex roles: the wife takes the husband’s last name, the couple spends a lot of time together, and the individuals disclose a lot of information to one another

  • Likely to keep regular schedules and share the same spaces in their home

  • Don’t avoid talking about problematic issues by talking about them in a neutral way and avoid engaging in open conflict

• Separate: couples have low levels of interdependence, share conventional ideologies, and avoid conflict

  • Spend far less time together

  • Talk less

  • Disclose less information to one another

  • Maintain a psychological distance

  • Spend time in separate places

• Independent: high level of interdependence, share unconventional ideologies, and openly engage in conflict

  • Disclose a lot to their partners

  • Spend a lot of time together

  • Often have long conversations

  • Don’t think that relationships should constrain individual freedom

  • Likely to have less conventional sex roles

  • Maintain separate spaces

  • Don’t always keep regular schedules

  • Engage in open conflict when a problematic issue arises

• Mixed: spouses who have different definitions for their relationships

  • For example, one partner might define the marriage as traditional while the other partner might define the marriage as separate based on the dimensions of interdependence, ideology, and conflict.

  • Could see themselves as having any two of the marriage types described above

Communication issues within Families

• Communication:

  • Strengthens family identity

    • Rituals, story-telling

  • Can negatively influence the family

    • Patterns driven by power, status and control

    • Complementary interchange (member system based on acknowledged differences in power)

    • Symmetrical interchange (members seek to neutralize the differences in power and treat each other equally)

Family dynamics: Which type is your family?

• Two Dimensions Create Types

  • Conversation versus Conformity

    • Conversation: family members are encouraged to participate in unrestrained conversation about a range of topics

    • Conformity: the family emphasizes homogeneity of attitudes, values, and beliefs

• Family Types

  • Consensual, Pluralistic, Protective, Laissez-faire

    • Consensual: high conversation-oriented and high conformity oriented

      • Families encourage open conversation and the exploration of ideas, but there’s a high amount of pressure to agree in order to preserve the existing hierarchy.

      • Children are encouraged to speak, but the parents make the decisions for the family and take time to

Rituals

• Rituals - repetitive behaviors that contain a unique meaning for members.

• Each family develops its own traditions. In many cases, they trace back to generations, while others begin rituals in the hopes of making a “new” family tradition to shape family identity.

• Story-telling is another positive communication action that enhances the family identity.

• They connect new family members with those from the past and present.

Symmetrical interchange

• Healthier approaches to communication

• No one seeks to exert dominance over another

• Everyone is able to communicate and do things based on their own merits

Dialectical tensions in Friendships

• Public vs. Private

• Ideal and real

• Independent vs. Dependent

• Affection vs. Instrumentality

• Judgment vs. acceptance

• Expressiveness vs. protectiveness

Guidelines for effective dialogue in Intimate Relationships

1. Be honest about feelings

2. Own your statements

3. Focus on the other person

4. Approach conflict constructively

5. Welcome different experiences

6. Discuss relationship status

Key Terms

1. Intimate relationships - deeply personal bonds that we have with other individuals that are accompanied by effective communication and a sense of belongingness

2. Commitment - the desire to make efforts to stay in the relationship regardless of what happens

3. Interdependence - the quality of intimate relationships whereby one person’s actions influence the other and vice versa; refers to the degree of connectedness between the two individuals, including how the couple shares time and space within their home

4. System - interdependent parts that interact with and affect one another

5. Open system - a system in which parts both affect and are affected by events within and outside the system

6. Conversational orientation - the degree to which family members are encouraged to participate in an unrestrained conversation about a range of topics

7. Conformity orientation - the degree to which the family emphasizes homogeneity of attitudes, values, and beliefs

8. Rituals - repetitive behaviors that contain a unique meaning for members, and each family develops their own traditions

9. Complementary interchange - interaction between members of a system that is based on acknowledged differences in power

10. Symmetrical interchange - communication between members that seek to neutralize the power difference and treat each person equally

11. Enabling communication - an interaction that is not assertive and thus allows members to continue abusive, addictive, and otherwise negative behaviors